Brokenness leads to love

(FYI..I tried to make paragraphs in this following blog several times but it is not wanting to publish like that. I apologize. I hope it still makes sense!)Well hello again friends! Once again time has flown by and I haven't written. The story of my life. But if it makes you feel better...the truth is....is that I only write when I really have something to say. I'm not much for rambling so when I write these blogs, I write with purpose and with hope to glorify God and provoke godly thoughts and faith and conversation with others... and not to ramble and hope someone enjoys my ramble. With that said, hehe, I would like to inform you all that my time is really winding down here in Guatemala... Like seriously winding down. I only have 2.5 weeks left here and after living here a year, 2 weeks seems like nothing. I will set foot upon United States soil on August 1, 2012. Primero Dios...I will see both my brothers and my parents this day! (quite the accomplishment being that the bros live in Houston and the 'rents in Wyomin') It will probably be one of the most bittersweet days I have lived in my life. I will be ELATED to be home again with family and friends, but I know I will grieve leaving Guatemala. Guatemala... A place God called me to, although I might not understand entirely why for quite some time. He brought me here to teach me, grow me, love me, humble me, and just plain experience Him outside of my comfort zone. What will I miss the most....my host family. God has richly blessed me with them. They will be my Guatemala family for life!!! I pray I can somehow articulate to them before I leave, how much I love and appreciate them. So...what am I thinking about in these last 2 weeks in Guatemala? Well, as humans and especially as a women (at least I think) we like to KNOW the meaning and purpose of every detail of our lives. What does it mean that He said that? Why did God bring me to Guatemala for a year? Etc. So these last 2 weeks are the beginning of my reflection upon my year in a foreign country. I want to make meaning of it, and I desire to see what God did this year. Let me tell you....when you leave the country as a mission/volunteer I feel like there are a lot of expectations behind that. Especially behind the word....missionary. I can honestly say I have struggled to even hear myself called that here because that is a position with big shoes to fill in my mind. Shoes I am quite sure I am not fulfilling very well. Like Paul says...I do the things I do not want to do and I don't get the things done that I desire to get done. I can say I feel that way about this year in parts. I now wonder... Did I share the love and hope that is Christ? Did I selflessly seek to love God and my neighbor? What will people remember about me here? What is the legacy I will have left? Or did I just take advantage of being a foreigner and travel and act confused and get frustrated at differences and do nothing about it, or selfishly just resort to my agenda instead of seeking God? This whole missionary word has really got me thinking. Recently I have been reflecting again back to the book I read around Christmas called GRACIAS by Henri Nouwen. This book is his Latin american journal about his journey discovering where God was calling Him. I related soooo much to so many honest things he says in the book as he discovers what God is calling him to do while he is in Latin America. Through this book I realized......even missionaries are trying to seek God and figure out what it exactly means to be a missionary. One quote that is standing out to me right now is, "The more I think about the meaning of living and acting in the name of Christ, the more I realize that what I have to offer to others is not my intelligence, skill, power, influence, or connections, but my own human brokenness through which the love of God can manifest itself. The celebrant in Leonard Bernstein's Mass says:"Glass shines brighter when it's broken....I never noticed that."" (Gracias, 18). I love this quote because it rings so true! The best we can offer as Christians is authenticity in who we are....broken, messed up people that have recognized the healing power of of the truth of Christ's Love and Grace in our lives. When we are transparent and do not pretend to have our lives together but are seeking God and changing through Him, His light can shine through! So as I look back over the year I pray that I have glorified Christ through my life here and somehow impacted at least one soul for His Kingdom everlasting. And as I look upon my next and last 2 weeks here I desire to LOVE radically and share my brokenness with hope in Christ, with others who are broken and think they are without hope now. Let the captives free in Guatemala Lord! Mark 2:17 When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners." John 13:35 Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." Love you all back home! See you soon! :) Let us outdo each other in loving one another! :)